Interview with Vicki Tiede

Today, we welcome Vicki Tiede, author of the new book, When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart.

Welcome, Vicki. How much of this book is “you” (your experience)?

This book was never meant to draw attention to me or to my ex-husband, it was meant to help a woman find healing for her heart in Christ. Snippets of my story are anonymously interspersed with those of 25 other women who have walked this path. When a woman discovers that her husband is struggling with pornography, the information becomes her secret to bear. This is not something women talk about. As a result, when one does want to share with someone, she doesn’t know who else will understand all that she is feeling. Silence is healing’s greatest enemy. I wanted my readers to know that they aren’t alone and that their feelings are typical. While no two stories are exactly the same, the grieving and recovery processes are similar. When women read this book and think, “How did Vicki know that’s exactly how I feel?” It’s because you can only know what this feels like if you’ve experienced it yourself.

Your book deals with the first two levels of porn addiction. (See the Introduction.) What should a wife do if she finds her husband’s been involved in levels 3 or 4?

The primary focus of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heartis to deal with the wife’s issues and feelings regardless of her husband’s lust, self-gratification, and pornography. While I only minimally address level 2-4 addictions (physical affairs, paying for prostitutes, rape, etc.), this book is still for the wife whose husband has engaged in these higher level SA (sexual addiction) behaviors. Many of her feelings and the ramifications of his behaviors on her relationship with her husband are the same regardless of the level of addiction. The reader should be aware, however, that if she’s looking for a book that focuses on those issues, this is not that book.

Now, what should she do? (As I always say, I am not a professional counselor, but I know the Wonderful Counselor, so keep that in mind.) Because level 3-4 addictions involve criminal and violent criminal behavior, she needs to make sure she and her children are safe. If that means displacing her husband from the home or packing up and leaving, then she must do that. Then she needs to seek professional help (counseling, pastoral, legal).

Does it make a difference if the husband confesses to his sin as opposed to “getting caught” in his sin?

I always pray men have the good sense to tell their wife about the struggle rather than waiting for her to discover it herself. It is almost always better if a husband confesses to his wife before she finds out by walking in on him or discovers something on the computer. Restoration typically goes better in these situations. If she finds out on her own and is forced to confront him with what has been unveiled, then she will always wonder how much longer he would have kept this dirty little secret or if he would have ever come clean. Is he truly sorry because of what he did, or is he sorry he got caught?

Have you come across any women whose “sin reaction” (page 22) was so strong her husband was repelled by that and left her?

I’m sure that has happened, but I’ve never personally talked to anyone in this situation. I have, on the other hand, had men leave because they’ve declared her “sin reaction” as an overreaction to something that “everyone does.” In other words, rather than owning his sin and repenting, he recasts the sin onto her making her “prudishness” the reason he’s leaving.

More than anything, the husband needs to understand that sometimes a wife needs time to believe that her husband is really sorry. That may mean waiting for longer than he’s comfortable waiting for her to be okay. Just because his habit is over it doesn’t mean the havoc he brought into the marriage is over.

Thanks so much for joining us today. Readers, any questions for Vicki?

vicki1More about Vicki: I am an author and speaker who has a passion for opening the Scriptures and pointing women to their true source of grace and faithfulness. For the past ten years, I have been honored to speak for numerous women at conferences, retreats, and women’s events. I am the author of three books including When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography (2012), Plug Me In and Let Me Charge Overnight (2009), and Parenting on Your Knees: Prayers and Practical Guidance for the Preschool Years (coming January 2013). I live in Rochester, Minnesota, with my husband Mike, daughter, and two sons. Visit her on the web.

For Your Readers: Sample Chapters from When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart

Links to buy the book:

When_Your_Husband_is_Addicted_Pornography Cover
Vicki Tiede

NGP

Amazon

Barnes and Noble(BN’s processing times are lagging, but it will eventually be available here too)

Nook

CBD

Idolatry

“You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. Exodus 20:4-6

The first time I read this scripture I was like, wow pictures may get me in trouble. In careful look of this scripture then I realize that if I bow or worship such picture then it would apply.

As civilization has evolved we think that we don’t encounter on idolatry as this was written in a time where people would bow to golden and wooden gods believing that they had powers. There are still active religions who place worship to sculptures, stamps, pictures or unanimated objects. People bow before these, pray and believe that their prayers would be answered.

However, even Christians can also enter in some forms of idolatry. In Colossians 3:5 we read “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” So, if as a Christian you are engaging in sexual activities outside of the covenant of marriage, including pornography. If you are envious or jealous of your neighbor’s blessings. If your passions are towards sports, entertainment or your work, you are engaging in a form of idolatry.

Let’s look into our hearts and search sincerely where our passions are. Let’s look at what struggles we have that can be interfering with us having a pure life in the Lord.

Discover how Desiree was able to navigate the process of learning how to live a Christian life?

clip_image002Aimee is a constant positive influence in Desiree’s life, gently demonstrating God’s love and mercy. Mary Anne Benedetto

Very well written. Emme

I would recommend The Road Home to any romantic, any lover of books, anyone struggling with forgiveness, anyone. cynthia

Topic for Discussion: How do Christian Parents Deal with Sexually Active Teens?

I started thinking the other day about this and figure it could be a great topic for a healthy conversation. As always I clarify that I’m only a mother to a four legged child and that she was fixed very early in her life, so I personally have not and probably will not have to deal with this issue.

Working with teenagers at the church and watching some of the things they post on social media it makes me wonder how are Christian parents approaching the issue of their children being sexual active. As a general consensus amongst believers is that sex is supposed to happen within the boundaries of marriage. Let’s part from the premise that as parents you have favor the position that abstinence is the favorable choice for spiritual, emotional and health reasons.

Here’s the question: What would you do if even after you have advocated for abstinence, you find out that your child is sexually active?

I really would like to hear from you on this subject. I think parents and anyone working with teenagers could benefit from this discussion.

As a token of my appreciation, all those who comment will have their names The Road Home Cover (1)placed in a hat for the chance to win a kindle copy of my new book The Road Home.  On the subject, you can find out how Desiree managed the discovery of her teenage daughter being sexually active?

The winner will be announced on July 27th here at therisingmuse.com Looking forward to hear your comments and for those who have read the book already feel free to express how you felt Desiree handled the situation.